Log in

No account? Create an account
I realized we were really, truly friends when I stopped being more… - Sichy [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

[Jul. 16th, 2004|06:21 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |Five For Fighting - 100 years]

I realized we were really, truly friends when I stopped being more comfortable calling you Theo and saying "She" with the picture of your Avatar in my head. I realized then that you had really become a part of my life.
The things you say to me, it's funny, I don't have to THINK about putting them into practice. I don't even try. They are usually so profound that I'm not sure I have the will to follow that path. Then, I look back and think "Wait a minute, I did it!" and you smile and say you're proud. Hundreds of miles away from me and in a small text box, I can see the "YES" movement of your fist as you think "She got it!!! She got it!!!" and it makes me proud of me, too. Thanks, man. It means so much.

Watching the connections that your mind makes during certain events is really an interesting process. This job has gotten me sorting through a lot of things and I wanted to put it all down on "paper".

When I went in to give my resume to Randall, I was expecting a huge call center. The minute I saw this small office with 15 pods, I had kinda written off any hope of actually getting the job.

You see, I worked for AOL. AOL was tech support with huge training wheels. We had programs that gave us the answer when we didn't know it. Toward the end, it wasn't even just a database anymore, but a required tool. You had to follow the prompts of what to try next. Among my peers, I was considered one of the last "techs" before they started just hiring "Smiling Faces". When I applied, I actually had to take a test on DOS commands. By the time I left that godforsaken place, it was all about the smile and you didn't have to know diddly.

Truth be told, I felt pretty low on the totem pole. Especially by the time I left. And I swore I'd never look back. People asked me for a long time why I didn't seek a job in another tech support position. I blamed it on not wanting to sit at a desk and be tethered to a headset. But I liked that part of it. I liked helping people. I just honestly didn't feel like I had the knowledge to work for a "real" company. I have friends who are techie gods. They'd get going on something and when they lost me, I just smiled and nodded. I never wanted to ask questions because I realized they thought I had every clue about what they were talking about. I mean, god forbid I look like an idiot, right? Pride is bad, mkay????

So, when I went in and had this interview, and we went through some scenarios and I seemingly passed the first phase of the process, I was slightly blown away. I also knew that the other guy I was competing with was an IT guy and probably a lot more knowledgable than myself. So I really wrote it off. Until I was informed that he wanted me in the position. Woah...is he on crack?? Now we're simply waiting for the HR lady to get her ducks in a row and get the test set up. It's an aptitude test. You have to score a certain score to actually become an employee. I love tests. Reasoning - WOO HOO...right up my alley. So I'm not worried.

Over the last few days I've realized something. I didn't give myself a chance. At the risk of looking like I didn't know it all, I hid from learning. Now I've got an opportunity before me. One I'm very excited about. No call times, no cendant transfers, and no stupid "smart" programs to walk me through asking a person to reboot their machine. Just me. Just my brain and my ability to use logic and the knowledge of my co-workers. Someone's giving me a chance to learn and putting faith in me that I can. That's huge, my friends.

At AOL, I was one of 700. Here, I'd be one of 15 or so. Doors are opening. I've finally grown up enough to chuck my pride and say "I don't know it all, but I am capable of learning" and also to say that I'm not a complete dummy.

I had to drop the fear. Fear gets us nowhere. It hinders our movements. I do have something to offer and I need to be more sure of that in all the avenues of my life. Although, I'm not prone to really being down on myself, I think we all have areas where we are just unsure enough to hide behind that wall and it really keeps us from growing.

I'm really looking forward to this job. I think it's a huge manifestation of the growth I've been experiencing for the last year or so. So many possibilities. Even though it's not the line of work I want to call a career, it's definately a step on the path of life that I don't want to pass up.

~Sichy the Sunflower - Growing in The Sun


[User Picture]From: theodwynr
2004-07-16 06:10 pm (UTC)
*big fat hug*

More later. Work is nipping at me. :)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: theodwynr
2004-07-17 12:19 am (UTC)
A friend is someone to whom
You can pour all the contents of your heart
Chaff and grain together
Knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it
Keep what is worth keeping
And with a breath of kindness
Blow the rest away.

These words are not mine. They were given to me by the mother of my very first girlfriend.

But they always stayed with me.

(Reply) (Thread)
From: chumas
2004-07-17 03:30 am (UTC)

From the dune series...

"I had to drop the fear. Fear gets us nowhere. It hinders our movements. "

Bene Gesserit litany against fear:
"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

Even from fiction, it's still good practice to think this when you're fearing something or are really anxious.
I'm glad that you've found and have been givin the opportunities you deserve, babe. :) Next up, enjoyable job time and learning to move upward when you're ready.

/huggles ya

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: jaxia
2004-07-17 06:34 pm (UTC)
I just want to say that I am proud of you
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: yarha
2004-07-18 07:40 am (UTC)
Congrats! Getting past one's internal hurdles is definitely the hardest thing.

In re: fear. 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself'. Yes, but I'm pretty sure FDR never had to deal with a kitchen full of ants by himself, prolly havin' a servant or two around to do it for him. :p

Yarha, Someone's in the Kitchen with Dinah, Etc.
(Reply) (Thread)