||[Mar. 27th, 2004|01:20 am]
What I wanted for my birthday are things that don't come wrapped in pretty paper with elegant bows.
WARNING..The following is very mememememememe oriented...
My own space - Yes, I realize I have three children. They are part of my space. I'm not aiming for quiet..just a little bit of control over my own environment.
Respect - I respect a lot of people. Not to be confused with admiration. Respect. It's simple. I treat other people the way I want to be treated...I was always taught that. I'm just having a little bit of trouble getting the return on that investment.
Coming of Age - Yeah, this is supposed to be something that has long since arrived. At 29, I still don't have it. When I left home, I left home to live my own life. Now it's not ONLY my parents, but my husband, too. It would be nice to wake up one morning and feel like I wasn't still living with my parents.
Let me expound on the above mentioned situation. I love my husband. I love him dearly. I don't love some things about him. A single example of this is video games. Growing up, my dad thought they were a waste of time, money, brain power, etc. Now, although my husband is an avid gamer, he likes to lecture me on my habits. I don't play nearly as much as I used to...and that's not my issue. My issue is the fact that he feels he has the right to even say anything to me about it. If I was shirking my duties and responsibilities and letting life as I know it go to hell in a handbasket...then, yeah...I could see it. This is not the case. But it's always a source of tension....him paying no mind to the fact that he expects the freedom to do the things he likes to do without my being his parental voice SCREAMING IN HIS HEAD constantly.
I grew tired a long time ago...now it's something more. I just want to be able to live my life and be happy doing it. I'm tired of the guilt and the conflict and I'm beginning to wonder if I will just have to shut everyone out of my life in order to achieve the feeling of being an adult that is in some small level of control over my life. I don't want to control anyone else's...just my own. Compromise is possible, but I can't compromise all of my heart and soul awy forever. I want to live before I die.