|And so on and so forth....
||[Jun. 9th, 2004|03:13 am]
|||||Concrete Blonde - Run Run Run||]|
Round and round she goes....
So, two of the three folks that got removed from my friends list actually noticed. One just didn't understand why and once it was explained, she was totally and completely forgiving and understanding. The other...well, see my "friends only" banner for how she took the news.
*sigh* Gee, I'm sorry. I am about to go through a divorce. Much as I would love for it to remain amicable, it might not. *sings* Which one of these is not like the others?.....There was only 1 one out of those four people that was suspect, honestly. I just truly felt if I removed any doubt from my mind, I'd feel much better. Not to mention, no one would feel singled out and make an attempt at retaliation. I'm still keeping my fingers crossed on that one.
So, let me get some opinions from the peanut gallery....
I don't have an excerpts from the first IM. But it came within hours of my post about "The Lie". (Yeah, I'll make you work and re-read it) And it started out with "I never wanted you to lie to me, I thought we were above that." Hmmmmm....Gee, that seems funny. I was *just* talking about that. In a place I thought private. He protested. "I have no access to your LJ". Yeah, okay. He claims I made mention of not living a lie anymore before I left. I'm sure I did. I just find it awfully coincidental that it came up out of nowhere. When he'd not sent an IM or bothered with a phone call until I mention something about it in a post.
So, the next little "Woah" moment happened after my ranting and raving post about him not having the right to be an asshole. This one is word for word. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent-or not so innocent)
Him: your so full of shit. how dare you do this. I guess I should not be surprised. you couldn't hold a commitment if it was super glued to your forehead. I am not your personal secratary. you decided to go all bi polar manic on the family and uproot everything we were doing... but I guess it works out ..you get to do what ever you want and I once again pay for it. because holly is not happy. you were ok as long I was in servitude but when I started making headway in my life you got scared that things might actually get better. so you destroyed once again. if you try and take my son away from me expect holy hell fire to rain down you.
Him: I guess this'll just turn up in your LJ or something .. I don't know what you been writing about me in there ..belive I have treid to get in ... but I don't need it I know you to well .. you can take your ass and get the fuck out of life now
Him: anyway sit there with your delusions that you did the best thing for the family.. you did the best thing yourself ..because thats all you care about..screw you and "lesbian" life. I hope you rot in it
Him signed off at 11:39:47 PM
Okay, now, I wasn't at the keyboard for this little outburst. I come back upstairs, read it, and proceed to go slighty batshit. Who? Me? Nah, never happen. HAH.
So I'm sitting at my computer shaking. Take HIS son???? Excuse me, sir. If I recall, *I* was the one who had the child surgically removed from my stomach. *I* was the one that watched him fight for his life in the NICU for 3 weeks. *I* was also the one that didn't hear from you till he was over 3 months old.
Gee, RIGHT after I go postal on him in my LJ. Am I really wrong to suspect someone is ratting me out? And apparently, only sharing bits and pieces that they choose to pick from the lot of words I typed.
This livejournal was originally created for the sole purpose of reading the journal of one of my friends. I posted once and then kinda forgot about it. Hell, I put down the pen for a very long time. It used to be my medicine. Well, I need my medicine again. I need to vent it out. I need to rant and rave and bitch, moan, complain, share joy, share funny kid stories...whatever the mood is at the time. I will not have it compromised by fear of what might end up in court one day. This is MY breakdown lane.
You know, after the above outburst, he did send an apology. Said he had no one there to talk to and just kinda lost control. I finally called and told him. "I know you are angry, I know you are hurt. You have every right to those feelings. I wish right now I could be there for you as a friend would to help make it better. Unfortunately, that's hard to do when you are the source of the anger and pain. I won't invalidate your feelings. I will, however, expect you to conduct yourself with some amount of civility. There are children involved. I wish I could say you never had to speak to me again, but I can't. We have 3 kids and I left you a lot of documents and such that we BOTH need access to. I also left you the copier/scanner/printer for that very reason."
It just kinda feels like when I pick up that phone, I could have Jeckel, I could have Hyde. I never know.
8 years. Most of it shitty. Some really good points, but nothing that I wouldn't consider good times with close friends. It wasn't a marriage. Hopefully, one day, he will see that I did him a favor by setting him free to find someone that WOULD make him happy. In the meantime, I'm gonna go "rot" in my "lesbian life".