|Just a quote...
||[Jun. 15th, 2005|11:23 pm]
I accidentally left my book in Florida. So I picked back up Gregory Maguire's "Lost". This particular passage just struck me. My head screamed "THAT'S IT! That's SO it!" So, I thought I'd share.|
..."When you lose all, there is nothing to relish. The sun comes up as it does right now, streaking the land with buttery blandishments, grey-blue shadows; a few birds wheel high in the sky, suggesting the nearness of the sea. Every hour past, present and to come emerges out of this very moment, here on this road barreling toward a headland: every last sensation of life has accelerated toward this day and is derived from it, somehow. But birds can wheel all they want; all they do is define the emptiness of the sky. The whole planet spreads out from this Renault Elf, corrupt and formidable and regenerative, wrinkling into Himalayas and Alps and Andes, rocking with Atlantics and Pacifics, pocked with Aleutians and Azores and Falklands and Cyclades, sectored into time zones, blanketed with weather, gripped in space, lost in admiration of itself and none of it has the power to charm anymore. Not the smallest swallow on that ledge, pecking a crumb. She'd as soon kill it as look at it. The magic world, the world of childhood, was dead.
"There was so much promised to us, as kids," she murmered at last. "It was all lies and adults should be shot"....
Of course, the FIRST thing that struck me was "Holy fucking crap that is one hell of a run-on sentence." Go figure. Some things are just ingrained in me. Like, oh, say NOT CREATING PARAGRAPH LONG RUN-ON SENTENCES with the use of some (not necessarilly well placed) punctuation.
The second thing was just that, as morbid and sad as that sounds, it's fairly well accurate. When you begin to question the choices you make. When you revisit those choices. When you take for granted little things you would have done. Or, in some cases, take for granted the things you want to do...does not just about everything you see remind you of how you hurt? A diner. A beautiful tree. A roller coaster at a local theme park.
When you pass these things or see them during the course of your every day "life after choice"™, instead of being something you can take for granted, it is a reminder of a moment past. Something lost. Something that is perhaps even too painful to deal with.
I drove by those things today. I ate lunch at a wonderful little mexican cafe. Alone. I saw a tree I wanted to climb. Then I remember..."alone". I saw a roller coaster I wanted to ride. Again I recalled that word..."alone".
And still in my wallet is that hand written reminder. A time long, long ago. When I was essentially...alone.
Does it give me hope? I don't know. So young then, I just knew there was time. That one day, I would be priviledged to take those things for granted. I did. I put off till tomorrow what it's too late to do today.
Ten years ago, I didn't even grasp the concept of needing personal space. Of watering the seeds of personal growth. Now I see room to grow. Apart. Distant. Faded.
Is it just God's twisted sense of humor that puts me on this cycle? Why can't I get the positive aspect of the theory that at least now...at least now I am not blind to it....at least now I see myself wanting so much more for us that I walked away, only to love you when it's too damn late. We all know it's not the first time. And I always said it was the last. To turn around and run back. Because the kids were sad. Because I was afraid of not being able to make it on my own. Because I didn't know who I was. Because I couldn't feel ripped in two.
Months pass and I know who I am. The children aren't sad. I can make it on my own. There's no excuse for missing you like I do. Save....love.
The sunlight's just too bright. The color just a tad too muted. The beauty and excitement faded from the passion.
Am I the only one that gets caught in this cycle? Or do we all have it and in some it's just closer to the surface?
It's nearing midnight and I don't feel lonely. But where is the talk of a petri dish or spitting lettuce or philosophies of love and music and education and outer space?
Approximately 9 years ago, I asked myself a question. It was one I couldn't answer. It was a catch 22. "What if I keep hope and you never come? What if I waste my life away pining for something that will never happen? Conversely, what if I move on and suddenly you're there and it's just too late to go back?" 9 years and I'm looking at that question again. I still can't answer it. I cannot wait. I cannot move forward. I cannot stomach that choice. I don't like either option.
And on a very simplistic basis...what the hell is up with the fact that in 9 years...whenever any distance has been crossed, when time has passed, when life has continued to go on...why are we so drawn to one another? Will that ever die? Will we ever see each other again after months or years and have to exercise restraint to act the way it seems just natural for us to act?
These thoughts seem pretty fragmented, but they connect just fine for me.