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So, what's up, huh? - Sichy [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Sichernde_Seele

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So, what's up, huh? [Jun. 13th, 2005|11:26 pm]
Sichernde_Seele
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |Dido ~ Life for Rent]

What's up with Holly? Where has she been? I'm not sure if I can answer those questions in a short way...but I'll do my best.

Holly's been going slightly off the deep end. But I somehow feel more centered. Makes a ton of sense, doesn't it?

Let's recap.

August 2004 - Hired by Eatel
October 2004 - Bought a new car
March 2005 - Turned 30. Went to Disney World.
April 2005 - Found a new place. Moved a couple of things....
May 2005 - Moved a couple of more things. Got called for Jury Duty. Had some cancer removed from the back of my head.
June 2005 - Finished trial for 2 counts of first degree murder. Totally lost my shit.

In the last year, I've seen so much. I've finally learned to pay my bills in an organized fashion. I've learned to appreciate routine. I've learned I really can "do it".

My credit is still hosed. I still want to get my tattoos removed. I still need some pretty major dental work.

My landlord isn't willing to fix some things that are vital to the health and safety of my family. I really need to continue to save money and work on some of those long term goals.

I knew something didn't feel quite right about the place. I just couldn't bring myself to fully move in. It just wasn't "clicking".

So, the short version is...I'm staying put for a while.

If you should happen to see me out in the world, keep a few things in mind.

I still miss him. I know I did what I had to do. I know it was the right thing to do. It still hurts. Every day. No matter what I say or how strong I appear.

It's very rarely in life that people find their soulmate. For some, it works out. For others, God has a really funny sense of humor.

It probably won't ever work. One day, maybe it won't even hurt as bad. For the moment, I'm doing the best I can.

And no, quite frankly, I don't care what you think. Love all of you, but your opinion of him or us or the past doesn't mend my hurt. So keep it to yourself, huh?

In response to Dido's words "And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day"...No, I don't. I know that already. Today, my heart still hurts. Miserably. Even when I said it didn't. Even when I was completely numb...it was still there. Buried.

One morning, I woke up and it overflowed. It hasn't stopped.

Hug me. Make me laugh. Don't lecture me or tell me how wrong it is. Just let me feel what I feel and try to wake up one more day.

Remember, it was *me* that walked away. It was me that said "We can't do this anymore. *I* can't do this anymore." That doesn't mean that it wasn't one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Okay, so there you go. That pretty much sums it all up. I'm doing the best I can. I'll wake up tomorrow and do my best all over again. I'm hurting. I'm strong, I'm weak, I'm smiling and I'm crying.

~Holly
linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: megalo3
2005-06-14 04:33 am (UTC)
*hug*
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: humming_along
2005-06-14 05:41 am (UTC)
::hug:: glad to see you guys are home safe and sound. Was just telling Mars I was a little worried I hadn't heard from you.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: tarss
2005-06-14 08:16 am (UTC)
*Mucho Hugs*
(Reply) (Thread)
From: chumas
2005-06-14 11:00 am (UTC)
/hug
You need to talk, poke me.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: darke
2005-06-14 12:17 pm (UTC)
I think one of the hardest moments in my own life was having to tell a man I was still deeply in love with (after several years together) that love wasn't enough. And then turn and walk away. All my life I'd been told love made everything ok, that if you just had love, everything else would work out. They lied. Love isn't always the answer.

It was years before I could take his picture off the wall. Even after Jay and I started dating, those pictures were still there. Jay, bless his heart, never said a word. And then one day, many more years later, it was time, and the pictures found their way into the scrapbook. The sting is gone a bit. It does happen, when it's time. Until then? Do what you need to do. Fuck everyone else. Just like me and my pictures.

Just thinking of you. I wish I had something cheerful to say rather than more on a similar note, but maybe that will be helpful in some way. :\
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: a_little_rain
2005-06-14 01:43 pm (UTC)
First, hugs to you :) Here's a dumb joke to make you laugh, it's bad:

There are 3 gay robbers robbing a bank. They get shot and die. Then God tells them he will give them life again if they go to the fruit market and steal 3 fruits and come back here. They first guy Marc comes back with 3 cherrys. God tells him to stick all 3 cherrys up his butt and not make a face or he will go to hell. He gets 2 in, but on the third he grunts and is sent to hell. The next guy Scott arrives with 3 apples. he gets 2 in, but ends up laughing. God is about to send him to hell when he asks what was so funny. And the scott relies "Benny is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons"!

And thanks for lettin' me stay around :, although after that joke you might change your mind..
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: yarha
2005-06-14 02:22 pm (UTC)
God has a really funny sense of humor.

It's easy to say that but hard to laugh at his little jokes.

Sorry you've lost your shit. Under some circumstances, losing one's shit is the best thing one can do, so that the shit can be collected again into another configuration.

Yarha, Forming New Business: Shit Arrangement, Inc.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: cavmn
2005-06-14 03:33 pm (UTC)
*Hugs*

Funny Joke - Lovers Quarrel

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.

The husband yells, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.

Yeah she replies, When you die, Im getting you a headstone that reads, Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.

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[User Picture]From: jaxia
2005-06-14 05:17 pm (UTC)
Some people have problems losing their shit.

/bad joke
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: sina_bean
2005-06-14 04:21 pm (UTC)
/hands a box of tissues
/gives big hug

but best of all,
/offers up secret stash of chocolate chip cookies she keeps just for such emergencies.

(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: jaxia
2005-06-14 05:18 pm (UTC)
/lotsa love and hugs
I'm as close as a phone call, if you need an ear...
(Reply) (Thread)