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Sichernde_Seele

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That bitch.... [Apr. 29th, 2005|12:23 am]
Sichernde_Seele
[mood |indescribableindescribable]

I was trying to explain to my mother the ins and outs of Asperger's and in addition to showing her a copy of the therapist's report, I also printed up 14 pages worth of articles and resources.

Of course, she keeps doing that thing. The one where she compares Max to some kid some friend of her's has known and saying "So, he's not really autistic. I mean, he won't have to live with you for the rest of his life, right?" What in the bloody hell goes through that woman's head, I'll never know. She kept using the phrase "high frequency autism". She also looked me dead in the face when I quoted a May 6th, 2002 article in TIME Magazine about Asperger's and said "So who else has it???". Imagine if you will that this was with a "Huh, huh, prove it? How many of the rest of you and/or your kids are fucked up" kind of demeanor. All because it said " There are differences between Asperger's and high-functioning autism. Among other things, Asperger's appears to be even more strongly genetic than classic autism"


Christ on a fucking cracker. Basically, she did her usual song and dance. Tried to reason it out to how since Max can use the bathroom without assistance, he's just fine. Whatever. Tried to be all defensive in how *she* already provides a quiet place for him to do homework and she's already got it all on the ball. The real winner was her stating that since the vent hood on the stove drives her batty, too, she must have Asperger's.

And, finally, in a moment that I think has been waiting in the wings most of the day, I snapped. My level head and silver lining went right down the tubes. I'd been keeping my chin up all day and saying "Well, now that I know, I can help him and we'll be okay and he won't have so many teachers insisting he's just stubborn, etc."

I looked right at that stupid-ass bitch of a mother I have and said.....



"You just don't fucking get it, do you? You don't have a shred of maternal instinct anywhere in that ice cold fucking pit you call a heart. That is my son! ....

Most parents spend their lives wanting only for their children to be happy and healthy and well-adjusted. Now as much as I'm glad that I have a path and something to lead me in the right direction, there is a part of me right now that is wondering just exactly how I managed to fuck this up. What could I have done differently that may have prevented this? Was it because I smoked? Was it because I had done acid (no, not while I was pregnant)?? Was it because I let him get a broken collarbone during delivery? Because I let him get hit with a very sudden failure to thrive at 4 months old and hesitated on taking him to the hospital? What about that broken leg at 18 months old?? Vaccinations? Was I too stressed out while I was pregnant? ...

A million things are going through my head right now about what I may have done that contributed to this. And all you can do is try to think of a way to one-up your friends or downgrade MY FUCKING FEARS! Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go beat myself up for a few hours before I finally "get over it" and move into the acceptance phase."


You know what she said as I left? She said "Oh, don't do that. It won't help." I swear to God there wasn't a shred of sympathy in her voice. Just a very, very clear case of someone who's never felt anything but fear of not having my father there to keep her in a nice house.

So, here I am. I'm happy and sad and angry and curious and excited all at the same time. There is a part of me that is looking forward to learning all about how to help my son. There's another part that's dreading the fact that this means I actually have to be diligent for the next, oh, 12 years or so. Then there's the guilty part. The scared part (I mean, if I don't teach him now, he could become a complete and total sociopath with no sense of empathy whatsoever). Then there's the part of me that just wants to scoop him up in my arms and keep him there forever. Because I know, without a doubt, that is one place that he never feels scared or alone or different or anything but safe. That's why he can't stand to be away from me. And knowing that, my friends, is what keeps me getting up in the mornings.

I have three very beautiful children. Each of them is exceptional, even if it's only to me and Nathan. All of them are loved. And right now, the one thing that's giving me a bit of peace is that all three of them know that when it feels like the world is against them, there is a shelter in the storm. Her name is Mommy...and she rocks.



linkReply

Comments:
From: magdollna
2005-04-29 11:07 am (UTC)
Okay, I can not say anyhting possitive or uplifting when it comes to dealing with your mom. I had a very abmormal relationship with my mom and all I can say is I understand you feelings. I do not have children, but if My mother was alive she would be just like you discribed.

Personally, I admire that you have looked at the problem and your feeling good you have an answer, and a plan to deal with it. You are dealing with it when a lot of parents would just be sticking there head in the sand no wanting to abmit there is a problem. You are a good mom.

mags
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[User Picture]From: sina_bean
2005-04-29 11:34 am (UTC)
Don't beat yourself up with the "was it something I did", hun. Sometimes these things just "are". The good news is that they have an idea of what it is and how to deal with it. They took you seriously about it and evaluated him and they made a plan of where to go from here. That's good!

I read the plan and it isn't just the school system saying, "OK, here's this kid who is "abnormal" and we'll give him speech once a week or something to make mommy happy."-kinda thing. They really wrote out a nice plan to deal with his needs. :) Yes, it's going to be work for them and you and Max every day, but it will help him deal with all those things that bother him and he'll learn how to deal with them as time goes by.

As for your mom....I am at a loss there. I'm sorry she is not more supportive of you and Max at this time when you really could use it.

Hang in there. It sounds to me as if you have a good path to follow and Max will benefit from all the work you have put into getting onto it.
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[User Picture]From: a_little_rain
2005-04-29 01:08 pm (UTC)
That's an awesome picture. Worth a thousand words for sure. And you DO rock.
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[User Picture]From: tarss
2005-04-29 01:09 pm (UTC)
I agree :) Cute pic!
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[User Picture]From: jaxia
2005-04-29 01:44 pm (UTC)
Girl, that picture is awesome!

I think your questions are normal (not that knowing that will make you feel any better). I'm sorry your mom isn't supporting you, but I know you have the strength to handle anything that comes your way. Your children are lucky to have you.

/hugs
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[User Picture]From: humming_along
2005-04-29 02:45 pm (UTC)
You and Maximus are very loved, and have people in your corner no matter what. It will be hard, but he'll do all the things a smart, handsome kid should be able to do with his life, and you'll both have people pulling for all the while. I know you *need* her support, but you cannot create emotion depth where there is none. In that regard, your mom reminds me of my sister... there's just absolutely nothing beyond the surface.
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[User Picture]From: rimmie
2005-04-29 03:54 pm (UTC)
I think your mom has fallen victim to the Rain Man syndrome where 'everyone' with autism has to be taken care of or placed in a care facility because they are severely autistic...I really wish that movie had never been made sometimes. *sighs* really...your mom is a piece of work.
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[User Picture]From: stress_rash
2005-05-02 02:06 pm (UTC)

I agree

I've never watched all the way through and if it weren't for the effect it's had on the general populace I'd think it was a pretty good flick. Unfortunately, I wish it had never been made either. I still have people tell me second son "can't be autistic" because, y'know, he doesn't act retarded.
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[User Picture]From: pathfinder02
2005-04-29 09:02 pm (UTC)
that is a beautiful picture.

*hugs*
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