|Now that we've had our little commercial break....
||[May. 26th, 2004|03:53 am]
|||||Concrete Blonde - Little Conversations||]|
On with life, right?
It's 3:30 in the morning. I am driving to New Orleans in under 4 hours. I went to bed at 7pm. Woke up to the ear-shattering end of "The Lizzie McGuire Movie" that Max had put in. That was at approximately 11:30pm. Can't go back to sleep.
2 sodas later, 3 deep soul-searching moments (nope, haven't found it yet), 1 too many glances at Nick@Nite and I'm feelin' slightly manic. Bzzzzzzzzzzz...By all accounts, I should probably be on some serious anti-psychotics by now. But I'm not...so I'm amused.
Most of my life has been a lie. Yes, this lie was created by me, for me, yet it wasn't an intentional lie. It was a "survival of the sanest" lie. It was a "be normal and you'll get along fine" kind of lie. Therein lies the trouble. By denying who I was, I didn't have a normal life. I had a life completely and totally centered around that lie. Every energy spent into keeping up appearances. For those that were hurt in the process, my deepest apologies. I knew not the web I was weaving. I was simply surviving.
When I finally figured out it was a lie...I told another one. Why? Because by then, I was scared to death of the truth. I even questioned if it WAS the truth. When you've spent 20 years denying yourself of honesty, you start to doubt if you really know yourself or if this is just another facade built to hide the real you. For 4 years now, the truth has been screaming. Loud and clear, I tell you. "HEY, LISTEN TO ME". I tried like hell to ignore it and continue to be the happy little dysfunctional family that everyone longs for these days.
I know not why my life took the turns that it has. I don't have regrets. Surely, I have moments I wish I could have changed simply to avoid having hurt another human being, but I can't live the rest of my life in regret of those moments. I just have to let them be what they were. Moments.
I had the chance to see an old and wise friend recently. When I mentioned to him and another dear friend (both were former roomates), that I had always felt like I was "outside the circle", uncomfortable, not one of the "it crowd" in the household...they were shocked. They couldn't believe it. They always thought I fit in grandly. All part of the lie. Smile like there's no tomorrow and keep laughing, babe, cause you can't let them know you're truly unhappy. Hell, back then I didn't even know *why* I felt that way. I only realized it all when I came screaming back into town a few weeks back. So many puzzle pieces started to click together. Just as they did 4 years ago when I started hearing the truth for the first time.
When I left, he wanted the lie. Knowing it was a lie, he wanted me to keep telling it. I want him to have truth. Truth hurts. Does that mean I want to hurt him? Fuck no. I love him. I think I really did hurt him when I uttered the phrase "When I said forever, I meant forever, I just don't think it was in the right way"...I really did mean forever. I still do. I will always be a friend to him. When he's ready. When he can accept the friendship. I'll tell no more lies for the sake of sparing someone else and killing myself in the process.
So where do we go from here? School, kids, perhaps one day a wonderful woman. Currently, I'll focus on school, kids, job, household. Really not ready to jump into a relationship. I've got 20 years of garbage to get rid of before I can create a nice "crap free zone" for another human being to live in.
Right now, I've got the most amazing household. It's not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. We're all dealing with our own garbage dumps and trying to help the others deal with theirs. It's this strange symbiosis of sorts. It just works. The kids are happy, the adults are coping and the cats are just laughing hysterically at our comedy as well as our tragedy. Sheakspearean little punks, I tell you.