|How to feel
||[Jun. 26th, 2003|02:52 pm]
I've lived through a lot. I've seen a lot, felt a lot, experienced more than my share of good times and bad. |
Right now, I don't know how to feel. I have no idea.
A few months ago, I got the news that a friend of mine was expecting. Her and her husband have both been friends of mine for a very long time. We don't see each other as often as we once did. You know, kids, life, work...everything gets in the way. When I heard the news I brought over some flowers and visited with Jan for a couple of hours. She said the morning sickness had been constant and severe, but she was excited. We had a good visit and our daughters played and I went home. Meaning to call the next week and get together again. Of course, it got lost in the loop of things and the next thing I knew it was last night and I was getting devastating news.
A mutual friend of ours had come into town to look for a job and a place to move into. I asked if he'd seen Gio and Jan yet. He got quiet and said "Oh god. You don't know, do you?"
Because the two of them have always had a somewhat "explosive" relationship, my first reaction was to think they were getting a divorce. No such luck.
January was diagnosed with a brain tumor about a month after I last saw her. It grew straight through her brainstem, causing paralysis to one side. She has had an operation to remove the parts of the tumor on either side of the brainstem, but the rest is not operable. They are watching the baby very closely and the current plan is to take him/her via c-section at 29 weeks. At that point, they will begin very agressive treatment via chemotherapy and radiation.
They are giving her steroids right now to keep the swelling from invading the ventricles. If that were to happen, slurred speech or any further loss of movement, etc. would indicate a 4 hour countdown to what would likely be the end.
I do not know how to feel right now. I've never had something like this so close to me. I've had sudden deaths, I've had illnesses, but nothing like this.
You don't grieve for the living. You want to be happy you still have them with you. Being happy just seems so out of place. I've always been one that fixed things. It's what I do. I can't fix this. I can't make this better. All I can do is be there to support and help them and pray for all I'm worth.