|The end is drawing near
||[Apr. 28th, 2004|08:13 am]
Oh, how I wish it were the end of May, already.
Finally created a filter where I'm comfortable bitching openly. Without him getting into it via someone else's eyes and ears.
Saturday, we had the big blowout. He begged me to tell him where I was "really" at. He wanted to know if this trip to Baton Rouge was a seperation with hopes of maybe working it out or just a temporary displacement of the family.
I knew the question was loaded. I knew that the minute I started letting loose with my real feelings and fears, it would get ugly. Sure enough....
Yes, over the years, things have gotten better. He's grown by leaps and bounds. However, we drag each other down. We are holding one another back.
4 years ago, the lightbulb went on. I finally saw the neon rainbows on the wall. Things I had suppressed for ages came flooding forward. Despite that fact, I tried. I tried my heart out. I really thought that the fact that we were best friends and I genuinely loved him would be enough. I was wrong. It wasn't a "phase"...It's not going away. I'm still gay. Every morning I wake up and struggle with it. I try not to be upset when I pass a gay or lesbian couple on the street. Each day, it gets worse.
I want so much more for him. I want him to be happy. I want someone to give him the things that I haven't been able to give to him. He doesn't see that. He's angry. He's hurt. I understand these feelings. What I don't understand is how he can NOT see that I care.
Some of the comments he made were "You didn't try hard enough to be straight...or you would have won", "You live your life as a series of whims with no regard to how it affects those around you"....
I'm sorry, but that's not true. I spent 15 years ignoring a depression. Now that I've got that in check, I'm seeing the world in a whole new way. I have wasted half of my life. I'm not getting any younger and I want so much more for myself and for my kids. Hell, Morgan will be college age in 9 years and I have no plan for that. Right behind her are Madison and Max. What about retirement???
I don't understand why he would want me to keep up the facade. Why would you want to spend your life with someone you knew was lying to you? Well, I can't live the lie anymore. I just can't do it. I don't want to wake up every morning hating myself and everyone around me because I'm pretending.
Perhaps, one day, he'll understand....Maybe....Maybe one day he'll be my best friend again.