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Inner ramblings - Sichy [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Sichernde_Seele

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Inner ramblings [Aug. 6th, 2004|03:25 am]
Sichernde_Seele
[mood |discontentdiscontent]
[music |Avril Lavigne - Im With You]



Some days I'm so confident. So self-assured in everything I do. The very essence of "Yeah, I'm the shit", you know?

Then I blink and I find myself wondering, "What in the fuck am I doing here???" Here being a mythical place. Not this very spot, not at this particular job, or in this particular circumstance. Just "here". Who am I? Why am I this way, or that way, or the other way? Why can't I just be simple. Not to be confused with the oh-so-emo "I'm so very complex, dahling!" It's a moment. In that single moment, I'm not confident. I'm frightened. I have less than zero faith in everything. I think it's all a huge, stinking pack of lies and bullshit and what the fuck is the point, anyway?

Can't say those things outloud, you know. Someone might just go off half cocked and think they need to run some mushy suicide intervention or get thee to a therapist! Any of you that know me ever wonder why I don't drink??? *laughs* See? I don't need to. I can think just like a fucked up person all on my very own. Joy, eh?

I think about this day when I worked at AOL. I was wearing a pair of black pants, my black "beatnik" breastfeeding shirt (one of my favorite shirts, ever) that is sewn at the seams with red, yellow and blue threads, a pair of black mary janes and bright fucking pink socks. Pete, god love him, walks by and says "You're looking awfully gothic today!"....No, Pete, I can't be gothic. Look at the socks. I'm too damn cheery to ever be confused with goth. It's true. Yet, there are times when my soul just aches. When I see everything covered over in shades of grey. The catch is, I always catch the silver tinting around the edges.

I've noticed recently a lot of my friends have said if they could give me one thing, it would be peace. I'll never find it. This mind won't ever rest. It never does. It's not a "bad" chaos, it just *is* chaos. Always asking why, where, when, WHY? Who was I? Who am I now? Who will I be? There are days I'd give my hands to shut that fucker up. Then there are the days I'm glad it's there. I'm thankful for the reminders of my goals. Ever-changing they may be. I'm thankful.

Tonight was one of those nights where I questioned everything. I noticed I wasn't smart as him, as pretty as her, as funny as you. I can do many things, but not a one of them really well. I've perfected nothing. Except, perhaps, the art of being too curious. I feel too much of what, exactly? It's there, I feel it, but I can't quite grab it.

When I finally started being true to myself. When I woke up one morning and realized that, as much as it was going to hurt myself and everyone around me, I had to make some changes. The RIGHT changes. Not the ones that are right for my mother, not the ones that were right for Nathan, not even the ones that were nessicarily right for my children....but if I didn't make them, it was going to be even more wrong. Still, I find myself on an island surrounded by doubt. What if? Why? Who cares?

::opens the door:: ANNOUNCEMENT....If you love me, and you choose to continue to read, then you better make damn sure you're still gonna like me when I'm done. I need a "release" and, as is typically "Holly", I'm sending out one of my monthly omnidirectional fuck yous. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. Do not come back and say "I don't believe you said that" and expect an apology. I'm not sorry, for these are simply feelings that I'm feeling RIGHT NOW and I need to spout them.
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Last chance to bail
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Money is tight.
The end so near
I'm pulling hours
But few for me
You've run away
To some hotel
On funds that don't exist
I lay here guilty
Over my lack of contribution
Unable to see the face
That makes me smile
My own unknown
Still sits on hold
In the limbo of hypertext
And graphical anomolies
Somewhere she's waiting
Perhaps not for me
I'll never know because I'm here
He has no means
Left to care
For this family
Dysfunctionally functional
Filled with love
But so much hate
Anger
Betrayal
Doubt
Love
Jealousy
Denial
Sloth
Greed
Self
All within these same four walls
Tonight you party
I cry alone
An experiment gone wrong
Not good enough to hold that hand
For certain I shall never find
The girl who never was
He can't get up
He doesn't want to
I can't give up
I've got to repay
The last few months
Of bills and trust
It's not fair, I cry
It's just not fair
She's so much closer
A simple drive
But you can fly

There, the bitter taste is subsiding, I suppose. For now.

If you, my trusting readers, find yourselves inserted somewhere in there, don't take it personally. You can't be sure it's you I speak of. Cryptic? Yes, yes I am. I've every right to be. Because I've found, unfortunately, that if I just came out and said "This sucks because...." it gets twisted into something it's not. THIS is just a moment in time. 5 minutes from now, I might be sleeping. Or reading. Or watching a funny movie.

I'm the queen of not being able to hold a grudge. I have frequent bouts of frustration over things that I, personally, don't find fit into my little box of logic. Shit happens. We keep going. There's no love lost. If there is, then it wasn't really love to begin with.

See, I have a family. They love me. I know this. It doesn't mean I always have to agree or understand. I still love them. Every last one of you fuckers that can piss me off can also make me smile from ear to ear. You can make me want to hug you and kiss you on the nose. You can also make me see red.

Today is filled with uncertainty. A lot of "My internet is broken" calls. A host of "shit, I dunno what to do" moments and a plethora of "God damnit, what about me????" incidents.

With that, I'll kindly take my leave and go lounge in my bed and read. Tomorrow, I'll enjoy a day at the Hot Air Balloon Championships with my children and niece and nephew and "brother" and I'll have a grand time. Tomorrow, I might just smile. But right this moment, this very moment, I'm frustrated and I just do not understand.

Sichy ~ The ever faithful heart with the ever moving head

linkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: slavescreams
2004-08-06 01:34 am (UTC)
wow...i honestly do not know what to say other than these three things

1-Left to care
For this family
Dysfunctionally functional
Filled with love


i really like that ;)

2-Hang in there hun, im here to chat and listen if you need

3-I think you have me beat on longest post of the night

*hugs*
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[User Picture]From: rimmie
2004-08-06 01:40 am (UTC)
i liked your entry.

i like that you are honest in them and dont apologize for it, damn I need more friends like you. :OD

Someday, I'll sing you a song.
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[User Picture]From: bellsforhim
2004-08-06 02:01 am (UTC)
Sugah, everyone thinks like that. Don't feel so isolated. No matter who they are, they think that someone out there is either smarter, funnier, or etc than them. You're perfectly normal.
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From: chumas
2004-08-06 04:13 am (UTC)
I accept the omnidirectional fuck you, and toss back an 'in your ear, ass face.' :)
We all need to reaffirm ourselves, and telling the world to be enjoyable and not whinyassed and landing on your door with problems you can do without is a bonus you need.

/hug

Take care from your sweaty gun toting buddy in central FL/north cuba.
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[User Picture]From: yarha
2004-08-06 06:48 am (UTC)
"I've noticed recently a lot of my friends have said if they could give me one thing, it would be peace."

Fuck peace. Learn to thrive on chaos. It's an easier state to maintain. ;) Besides, nobody really wants peace though they give it a lot of lip-service.

I didn't really hear the omnidirectional 'fuck you', but, as usual with omnidirectional signals, it's a lot weaker than a directed signal. :p If you really wanted to say that you could, as a technical person, parse your LJ friend's list and make a 'FUCK YOU' post on everybody's most recent entry. :) It has the benefit of directness, being a 'FUCK YOU' using the ultimate evil communication medium: spam (twice the impact of a mailgram 'FUCK YOU', at least).

Yarha, FU=Freud You?
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[User Picture]From: sichernde_seele
2004-08-06 10:25 am (UTC)
You see, my dear, that's the thing. It's supposed to be a weak signal. I don't want to walk right up to someone and say "Fuck you"...I was just a little on the moody side. Doing some exploring of my inner bitch and letting her out for a few moments.

Most of the people in my life have a hard time understanding that about me. One minute, I'm fit to be tied with someone, then it passes. It's over. Gone. Done.

If I were to look someone dead in the eye and say "Fuck you, I hate you right now" it wouldn't be fixable. It would wound. I don't want to wound. I prefer to patch and go.

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[User Picture]From: yarha
2004-08-06 10:47 am (UTC)
Ah, well. Sounds kinda like me. Storm brews up, blows over and gone.

Make sure you eat lotsa protein and just keep fed reasonably well, in general. I know my problems tend to be biologically driven. LIKE I CAN'T STAND IT AND I'M GONNA KILL SOMEBODY!..then hey! it's me, Yarha the Sage.

I know me well enough to understand it's gonna blow over if I just hang on, so I stiff the upper lip and shoulder on with a sound footing of mixed metaphores. :p

Yarha,

Storm passes slowly
At last, only I remain
Smiling in sunlight
-TGY
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[User Picture]From: yarha
2004-08-06 10:53 am (UTC)
"I know me well enough to understand it's gonna blow over if I just hang on, so I stiff the upper lip and shoulder on with a sound footing of mixed metaphores. :p"

Or try to. It doesn't always work. I'm very human, of course. ;)

Yarha, To Herr is Uman
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From: _dahne_
2004-08-07 03:26 am (UTC)
I will let it pass over me and through me. The fear will be gone. Only I will remain.

Or something like that. I can never remember the whole thing.
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[User Picture]From: jaxia
2004-08-06 07:03 am (UTC)
Oh wow.
I can do many things, but not a one of them really well. I've perfected nothing. Except, perhaps, the art of being too curious. I feel too much of what, exactly? It's there, I feel it, but I can't quite grab it.

If I could count the number of times in my life I have thought this to myself, about myself.

I know that doesn't really offer much, but for me, sometimes it helps me to know that someone else at least has an inkling of something I might be feeling. Not the same feeling, mind you, because emotion is one of those wild things with a definition that changes every moment.

Anyway, for what it is worth, I am as here as possible for you...A pixelated smile, or perhaps the comfort of a phone.
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[User Picture]From: sichernde_seele
2004-08-06 11:58 pm (UTC)
It's good to know I'm not alone. *hugs*

I know you'll be without i-net for a bit while you get settled, but you know I'm always just a phone call away. Even at work.

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[User Picture]From: jaxia
2004-08-10 09:02 am (UTC)
Yeah, I don't even know if I will be able to access LJ from work any more. And THAT is depressing. I will probably be about a month without Internet access at home.

*huggles*
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From: smaptacular
2004-08-06 11:14 am (UTC)

For what it is worth

I have known you for sometime hun (god what is it.. 8 years?) .. I have seen you struggle..and get back up. I have seen you elated and downtrodden. But.. I have always seen you be you..
Sure at times you might not know what you want to do.. or think you know who you are... but even at those times you are still 100% you. The problem is.. What we can see.. and what you see are always different things. They are for everyone.
You think too damn much.. you like to obsess over little things.. but you are still 100% you...
Just step back, relax, and look at your children... They should always be a constant reminder that you are wonderful and you are amazing... and what or who anyone else is will never change the fact that you are 100% you.
Who ever said life was easy was a bastard. Every single day there are challanges and downfalls.. but each one of those movements thru life makes you the incrediable woman that you are.
You can't give up hope that one day things will be settled .. that one day.. life might not throw you hardballs everyday.. That one day... You will finally be happy with you

Buck up little camper.. We are thinking of you :)
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[User Picture]From: sichernde_seele
2004-08-07 12:09 am (UTC)

Re: For what it is worth

I can't tell you what this comment means to me. *hugs*

As well as I know you, I know that you mean that completely. It really means a lot, sweetie. Thank you.

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[User Picture]From: trea_rulz
2004-08-11 02:23 pm (UTC)
*If you, my trusting readers, find yourselves inserted somewhere in there, don't take it personally. You can't be sure it's you I speak of. Cryptic? Yes, yes I am. I've every right to be. Because I've found, unfortunately, that if I just came out and said "This sucks because...." it gets twisted into something it's not. THIS is just a moment in time. 5 minutes from now, I might be sleeping. Or reading. Or watching a funny movie.*


Ohhhh if I could just put this in my journal in HUGE print everytime I write something... haha then maybe it would easy the minds of some who read my journal. I am an *in-the-moment-this-is-not-how-i-am-going-to-feel-in-5-minutes* type of person. People tend to take my words so literal when in actuality it was just off the top of my head, a-bout of randomness.

Thank you for adding me, I will add you back. I can already tell that I am going to learn so much and be able to relate to many things in your journal. Thank you for including me in your journey...

;) Trea

(just to get this out of the way... you pronounce my name Tray... people botch my name ever so easily haha)
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[User Picture]From: sichernde_seele
2004-08-11 03:14 pm (UTC)
Cool, I got it right.

Glad to have you as a part of it.

~Sichy
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