||[Jun. 29th, 2004|04:37 am]
|||||Nickelback - Too Bad||]|
How the time flies on
When you're losing touch
And letting go of all you've known
The sea churns cold
To call me home
Knowing I can't go
And the storms won't rage
The tides stay caged
Too much life has passed this way
The rain fell heavy
I pressed on
To see if I could find the one
That gave me hope when there was none
And cradled my aching heart
A tear falling silent on a man o'war
A cry for justice goes unheard
We wake and hope and pray to the stars
That one day our lives will be ours
Today I cried for you
Yesterday I cried for me
Tomorrow there'll be no more crying
The time for living has drawn so near
Pick up the pieces and glue them in place
Let wanderlust take it's hold
Find the place within your heart
That beats in time to the music
For today, my dear
Today is here
It's time to open the door
© Sichernde Seele 2004
It's really far past time to get moving. I've been stagnating. Trying so hard to figure everything out at once. It will still get figured out if I'm getting other things done. I just need to remember to take the time to think about it.
While I was driving the insane trip to Dallas/Houston/Home...I had a lot of time to think. Perhaps too much. I was exhausted and my mind was racing 90 to nothing down a deserted highway in the rain. It always races, it's just so much louder when I'm all alone and have nothing but time to think.
I've discovered that there are some things I have to let go of. The most prominent right now being my feelings about my two moms. I got an adoptive mom and a birth mom. Let me tell you. They both suck. The adoptive mom lacks any kind of empathy or deep thinking processes. This is totally inconceivable to me. I'm always so hell bent on psychoanalyzing everything that I have a hard time grasping someone who's biggest concern in life is if her house looks nice enough and what shoes she should wear to work. I just don't get it. I've tried and tried and at some point decided it was better to just accept that she really is that shallow. It's not my fault..it's just who she is.
The birthmom. At first, (when I was 22), I thought she was just like me. In some ways she is. However, at some point, she went Hyper Christian on me and since then, all I've gotten from her is negativity. Seems a little strange, huh? Now, as much as she claims she was looking for me and hoping I'd find her, for the last several years, I've not gotten much in the way of proof. I guess when I moved in with her 7 years ago for a few months, I met the real her. She's one of those people who seem to know everything about every decision anyone else has ever made. And I'll grant her that we've had some really, truly bizarrly (Is that even a word) similar life experiences. Placing a child for adoption, Being married 3 times. But she's so very shrouded in negativity. When I had my hysterectomy, she insisted it was "elective" and that I was a bad parent because I allowed my kids to stay with my parents for 3 weeks during my healing process. *Boggle*. Certainly, it wasn't an emergency situation, but my quality of life due to the period every 4 days and the nausea, migraines and intense cramps that came with it were definately destroying my quality of life.
In the last 5 years, I think she's called me once. She doesn't call. I call her. She houses like 8 exhange students, and somehow, I don't rate as high as they do. Every decision I've made in the last 7 years has been met with criticism and dissapointment. Oh, and let's not forget the constant reminders to get put on medication for some chemical imbalance that I must suffer from because she does. Yet, periodically I call and try to get some acceptance. It's got to stop.
I stayed in a relationship for 8 years. Cause god knows I didn't want to admit to having failed again. For 4 of those 8 years, I *knew* I was a lesbian. I knew why the marriages had all failed. I knew why I was so unhappy. Yet I stayed. Partially for my own ease and comfort and partially because I didn't want to let anyone else down.
I didn't stay in college after high school. I didn't get a degree by 22. I held lots of interesting jobs along the way. I hopped from city to city trying to find my niche. I fell flat on my face and got back up swinging every time. I don't regret my life. It's been amazing. It's been enlightening. I won't apologize to anyone for the choices I've made. I have never knowingly and intentionally cause harm to any individual in my life and I think that's a pretty good thing. I am who I is. I won't try to be who you want me to be anymore.
I suppose I can understand the theory that when I say I have finally decided what I want to be when I "grow up" falls on deaf ears because no one is really certain I've truly figured anything out. Hell, I'm not truly certain. But I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone accept me for anything less than I am. ALL that I am. It's a package deal folks. There's a certain element of being cursed when you were born with a heart and soul and mind that want to experience the world so fully. It can really destroy your credibility. But I'd hope that it's not as discrediting as being, oh, say....a murderer. A thief. A liar. A rapist. Is being curious and wanting to know what makes the world revolve on a day to day basis really such a bad thing? Is it really that painful to watch someone with that much passion for living???
So, I've got to lay it down. I've got to remember to be who I am and let go of the idea that one of my moms is ever going to be what a kid wants out of a mom. 2 rolls of the dice and I got crap. It happens. Gotta get over it.
I'd rather be passionate and intelligent and soulful than to be so unhappy and so short-sighted that I die knowing I didn't do so many things I could have. That I didn't really fulfill my full potential. I'd rather die than spend a lifetime not living.
I am Jack's desire to be breastfed.